Love - the burning thing

I feel the entire universe conspiring to find me love

Plotting to give me a semblance of something that I crave

Invisible eyes, fluttering breeze of unknown hands waving me in the directions where I can find shadows of all that my heart desires

But cut me a little slack? Please?

I feel myself currently incapable of accepting anything that falls short of the delusions of my heart and my mind

Emotions in turmoil, convoluted intentions without objective

I am tired…

I really am

I feel the sways of my heart, the tinders of possible roaring flames in my loins

The feel of skin on skin that I cannot deny

But tragically wary of disappointment and disillusionment

I beg to be stuck in these dreams, only to wake to the purest and the most sublime of realities to be fulfilled

I implore thee, god… please let me find it in this lifetime

I promise you, you will have served every purpose of your existence

I don’t want to die without feeling it

I want it to be the truth of an entire lifetime for me and the one that fulfills this

I want my heart to be full and my mind to stop wandering every time I see the face of the one that holds this promise

I want this to be my love

For when I find this,

I know…

Venus and Aphrodite would stand

Bosoms heaving… intense, 

a flicker of envy on their lips

But all consuming pride in their eyes

The warmest of hugs from Horus and Hathor…

Rati and Kamadevan playing the music that had been promised but never been heard before

Music for the pure intentioned and only the most sublime of hearts to conjunct to

They will breath a sigh of relief

Realising the reason for their existence have been fulfilled

The prophesied love of Shiva and Shakti realised by mortals

All of the gods celebrating together that humanity has reached the pinnacle of passion

Happiness, sadness, joy and hate

Wind, ice, water, fire and all the elements of earth…

In absolute conjunction

Yes…

For the chosen ones have been found and the true mold has been created

We can all be born,

We can all live

And we can all die in the realisation of true love

For indeed,

We have reached

Our journey was not in vain…

If you are a god...

What would you do?

This is a thought experiment that I constantly put my brain to exercise with. What would you do if omniscience is at hand, and omnipotence is the norm? What would you do if you were called upon to be the judge of all judges or so to speak?

See this is not as simple as you might think. This is not a fulfillment of desires, it is more correctly a measure of your understanding of responsibility. It is a question of ethics. At the end of the day - it is a psychological (for the lack of a better expression) conundrum of how you judge your own creations! How you judge things that you don't have absolute control over - but rather they are extensions of yourself. They are things that you are burdened with classifying as objectively beneficial to the common cause or detrimental to it. How much along the lines of causality would you travel to figure out the ultimate effect of these causal passages of time? 

Would the parameters of judgment be based on the laws of nature (considerate exchange - perhaps we can call this karma, everything piles up - judgment of instances based on benefits is cumulative) 

Would the parameters of judgement be based on the laws of the cosmos  (equivalent exchange - instantial repercussions - you reap what you sow but the reaping and sowing are real-time. Absolute conservation of momentum in intentions and actions.)

Would it be based on the laws of man  (Unidirectional benefits - a single creational instance, be it a creature or a plant has the choice to dole out judgment based on what it, in its limited understanding has taken to be the law. You, as a god, are merely a spectator.)

At the cusp of an ideological transaction of most queries on life to artificial intelligence - these are some of the questions I believe would determine the role of ethicality if we are to ever trust AI in our decision-making.

If we are to ever differentiate between all the three paradigms of ethical decision-making to consciously choose between each - how would we choose? Or would the being put in charge, be faced with the same conundrum faced by the goat that's put in between the two stacks of hay as well?

As with most of my writing - the caveat goes: Please do not go diving into this for answers. It is for an entire generation forward to ask questions. 

Kill the question, shoot the messenger -  you will have won the battle perhaps. You will, as sure as sunrise until the sun lives, lose the war and yourself in the process. But then again, wars and battles are almost always fought inside your own head :) 

Our Collective Conscious as Children

As a child...

Life used to be a wait for itself to turn in to stories.

To be of the stuff that legends are made of.

And while we are living it, we are shut off from the significance of happenstances.

Then one day we are too old and we look back.

We lament the loss of a significant amount of realisation. The loss of a consciousness that those times mattered.

And then it will hit us - the life we are living now can and will be bigger and better stories.

There will be stories of fulfillment and experiences, more than loss and despair because those days are behind us and we are armed with experiences spanning all emotions. 

All of them that we are capable of feeling.

We will finally feel like we have lived... 

With a mind, heart and soul... 

Firing on all cylinders...

On and on to infinity.

And beyond!

Right foot forward

As the old adage goes, always start on the right foot. I have always been incapable of that, metaphorically and physically. The oddball that I am. And of late I had been wondering about the cause of this seemingly innocuous malady and came to the conclusion that it was because I used to play too much football. The left foot for a right footer is the anchor point, the fulcrum of balance from which the best movements happens. It is the foot that holds down the fort leaving the right one to do its thing - be it score from an insane free-kick or make the first move to start off a series of fluid dribbles. 

A friend of mine posting about Ted Lasso made me think about the character Dani Rojas running about yelling 'football is life'. And as it is with life itself, football has a place for everyone and everything. It can be dance, it can be a brutal exercise. It can be a calculated strategy or it can be lethargic fluid movements that is as much a pleasure watch as it is beautiful to execute. You can dive or you can get up and keep going. You can feint or you can use sheer physicality prowess. Anything goes within the construct of just 20 or so rules or so to speak. Everyone is welcome. Everyone has a place. It's not the team, it's not the player. Premier leagues and World cups come and go, you're winner once, bottom of the league next. You can't be scoring 91 goals in a season, or maybe in a remote part of the world there is someone who scored a 150 a single season in a small countryside league, which is as important. Because it's the game that matters most.

And as it is with life itself, all of it has to be done and dusted in 90 minutes or a maximum of 120 if you are going to be technical about it. And at the end of it, you rest. A well deserved rest for playing your heart out. And if you didn't play your heart out, too bad. You should have. 

So by this recklessly contrived syllogism in my head - if football is life, why is it so bad to start on the wrong foot? Give me a little time, you haven't seen what the strong foot can do... Yet.

The Unbearable Weight of Intentions

 The way you have lived or more correctly the way you had been made to live has been a travesty. The length and width of the intend in your actions scrutinised to a point that you don't believe it yourself. Who are you? You've asked multitudes of times looking at mirrors or still waters in a pond, by a whispering brook or even yelled at the wind. You've even pondered the questions by the oceans. The silent grasp at a dramatic semblance of spirituality, But in reality you've asked this question on your third beer of the night, on the way to work in a cab or a bus. You've asked it as you sat for your annual appraisals and of course you've asked it subconsciously every time someone seemingly from a far away generation criticized your hair-do. You've asked it while watching your favourite movie and you've asked it while making love to the one that you nearly loved with all your heart. Nearly. 

You have wondered what it means to be you? What it means to be human and what exactly it is that makes you a human. "Who knows?" you've always settled and spend the next moments in careless escapades - into day dreams. 

The proverbial fork in the road right now. 

That your mind has put in front of you. 

And ahead you are tasked with picking the authentic road. "Be yourself" they said. And you tried. You tried searching for the authenticity in your actions.  You tried searching for the elusive authenticity in your thoughts. You tried to be you. But then you realised the you that you want to be is the condensed form of your existence that you have been led to believe is you. By intend unknown. The balm of perceived self assuredness that you have been addicted to, the one that relieves the pain of existence. The one that takes away the heaviness of your existence. 

The fork in the road turns into a mob. The mob of plastic self assuredness that's the bane of your existence - the criticism of your act of conformity, whenever there is a slight stray in the path. The wavering from the path that you had called art and now that has turned you into a circus to be ogled at and scrutinized. 

Again, what does it mean to be alive? The constant strife of contrasting perspectives and an uphill battle to fit in. While constantly hiding yourself. 

All this well and truly happens inside your own head. 

But as JK Rowling as Dumbledore puts it "Just because all of this is in your head, doesn't make it any less real."

Fifteen Minutes at a Bus Stop - A study in the science of charity

The bus ride yesterday morning was hellish. 

A proverbial measure of the breadth and depth of my discomforts. 

I was seated in the opposite direction of the direction in which the bus was travelling. This causes me to build up a sense of motion sickness in my head. And the direction of the seat meant that the entire set of passengers were looking at me. Intently. As is the case most times when I begin to build up the situation unnecessarily in my head. 

Thinking about how to make the proverbial lemonade about this instance and started reflecting on the various things happening in and around the bus. 

The middle stop or the intermission, if you will, was a rest stop for about 15 minutes. And this gave ample time for interesting things to unfold in the bus. Having given up on smoking and being a tad bit uncomfortable in the journey till then, I decided to sit tight in the bus and not go out to even take a leak (which was a mistake as I learnt further along in the journey, but this is not that story).

One particularly striking thing about that stop is that, it weren't street vendors or salespeople rushing into the bus. It was mostly people requesting alms and charity. 

I ended up watching each of them out of curiosity and the two people that caught my attention were a woman who was selling lottery tickets. A man who was limping and had crutches on him. I did not take a lottery ticket even though I felt that woman was the most in need of help among all of them. 

I had taken up a ten rupee note and decided mentally to give it to this woman if she did not get any cash from anybody - but I saw her sell a few tickets. I waited for the limping man to come by. Right as he was half way to me - a man appeared by my side and then asked me to give him at least 10 rupees for a tea. He was very insistent and I sensed a little urgency and desperation in his voice - this made me act in autopilot and give him the ten rupees. And as the limping man came up to me, I took out a fifty rupee note and passed it to him - he silently pocketed in and left. I appreciate that he did not make a show of it and just pocketed the note.

I sense there is a little bit of a parable in this whole account. 

What would any of you have done? 

How would this whole instance have played out if any of you guys were among the people involved?

The celebration of disdain - a generation on the verge of cancellation

Having grown up through an era of pretty sounds and pretty sights that are taken in naturally as every thing of substance should be, how did we fall into the decadent pattern of being stuck inside tiny plastic square cages that are essentially on demand supply of the happiness signals that we are addicted to. Whatever happened to putting on a tape of your favourite album while you made love to your soulmate under the moon or the search for tenderness and the struggle of holding on to it? Where did we lose that path?

As a generation that celebrates disdain and superficiality, what heights of those pursuits have we climbed on to? Have we come far enough that a breadcrumb trail of dopamine is the script for our lives. Are we evolving into a hive mind where the interconnected-ness of the entire world is not through the noble lines of language, music and culture - but rather through the convolutions of copper wires connecting multitudes of worlds inside worlds. Love is a click away and the tick tock of a clock is a little light inside your pocket. The breath of a child is a meme and cities burning is reduced to the number of reactions it gets on the inter-web? Organic growth and the search for goodness is no longer a journey, rather it is an on demand service of pretence and prepared verses spanning the timelines of a fleeting blink of an eye. 

Is there a recourse to this sordid narrative? Can we learn to be a species that can still tell a pineapple from an apple by touching them? By smelling them? Are we witnessing the mass genocide of culture in a mass defection of affection and the self righteous suicide of love, and all associated emotions?

Can we listen to a love song without our brains signalling mouths to utter the world ‘cringe’ - where is the fountainhead of this cringe? Are we born into feeling the negative emotions of sacrifice protracted along the continuum of cancellation and the objects that make life worth living diluted to a fleeting glimpse and a narrow view through plastic squares and blinking lights right in front of our drowsy tired eyes? Are we holding things in the palm of hands, such things that should have the enormity of a bright burning star? God forbid I sound like a bitter old world weary man, coming to terms with a fast evolving world - coming to the death of human touching human, soul and body together. As a person who do cherish the accelerated growth of science and the onset of a whole world coming together as one - I do ask the question, is that really the end effect?

Don’t go looking for answers inside this little monologue, they are merely thought-starters for a generation ahead to start asking questions.

Channeling an inner Chetan Bhagat

 Okay that was a good non-date (thats what she said), yeah, but how do you spend more time with her without appearing too clingy? She just offered to take you home in her uber, oh that's a problem, did you forget deo when you left home? ah nah, go with it...

Let her get in first dumbass, you're getting out first. also, dude, don't turn around and look at her face too often, I know it looks perfect even with a mask on, but just... don't... be creepy. Oh wait, whats your mouth doing now? its making sounds. Are you fucking talking? what the fuck are you talking about? do you even know where this is going? Leave mission area, abort dumbass. stop talking and let her talk - that would give you more time to look at her face, yeah...

Yeah, she looks quite cute sitting there. Put your arms around her? No... where the fuck are your arms going? turn it into a stretch stat... turn it into a stretch goddamnit, you're not there... yet. Look out of the auto poignantly, now... act a teeny bit cool and a bit tired maybe. oh oh got one - slide to the edge of the seat and be impish, boyish... wait, you're doing that? you're at chin level with her now, what the fuck do you do now? absolutely do not put your face on her shoulder... holy crap, what are you playing at?

Why's the auto stopping? we're there already? oh god, what do you mean you dont want to get out? hug her politely and get out. Go in for the hug, easy does it, what are you doing with the cheeks? that was an absolutely cringy hug... wait what is she doing now? why is her hand at your tummy? did she just rub your tummy? 

OH MY GOD DUDE, YOU'VE FOUND A DORK JUST LIKE YOU!!!

Melting Sails

Deeper still, all louder Inside

Trees of finer golden spines

Tell me my roots just died

But it will be just fine

When I can just hide

At the end of the night

There are leaves with lullabies

Spreading their twilight chimes

Don’t you see that I’m scared

Sweat Drowning my neck

I’m tired, I’m wired, I’m sick of all my single verbs

Don’t tell me you thought it too

I’m a wrecked ship, floating bits, a Theseus ship, 

How the fuck am I still wired

How the fuck do I feel safe

Shadows dance in my mind

Brown eyes follow the light

But baby, I am still blind

When you glow, I’m still in flight

I still have my thoughts lined

All the glorious lettered sights

My will, this stony heart is bound

When I am dancing in the darkness

Don’t you see that I’m scared

Sweat Drowning my neck

I’m tired, I’m wired, I’m sick of all my single verbs

Don’t tell me you thought it too

I’m a wrecked ship, floating bits, a Theseus ship, 

How the fuck am I still wired

How the fuck do I feel safe

Could get a hold on this

I could make another move too

Could take a bold new push

I could make another fall soon

Heart Under Wheels

Take my hand and tell me why

Your insides are crying and sigh

Drunk drums beating for your heart

Take my hand, babe, it’s a start

Almost touching, our two worlds drift apart

They see and smile and say it’s sad

They move again along with sullen parts

Can you see the glow, the slow burning 

Take my hand and tell me why

Your insides are crying and sigh

Drunk drums beating for your heart

Take my hand, babe, it’s a start

Almost reaching, our fingers grasp the wind

Wading through the flow, what did you leave behind

What have I to get drenched and drown to find

Can you see the glow, it’s a sign

Take my hand and tell me why

Your insides are crying and sigh

Drunk drums beating for your heart

Take my hand, babe, it’s a start

Heat

Tried and tested verses

Sung in short phrases

An outpour of social friction

Acquiesce to his intention

Deep drenched in drizzle

Motive died out in a fizzle

Trust is another excuse

You no longer have a use

Oh he is a blazing psycho

Cool water inferno

Ready your mind he’s here

Run for your life he’s fire

He’s a wholesome man

Write his life he’s got fans

Read your rights he’s sheer

Will and wired he’s fire

Her cry echoed in millions

Sighs sucked up in illusions

She should raise her hand

Cannot be letters in sand

Lock horns when nature

Gave no horn we make them

Take them, raise a salute

He is caught in the fallout

Oh he is a blazing psycho

Cool water inferno

Ready your mind he’s here

Run for your life he’s fire

He’s a wholesome man

Write his life he’s got fans

Read your rights he’s sheer

Will and wired he’s fire

No longer has she tried

No matter how much he lied

No longer is she tired

Not a moment he could tear

Oh he is a blazing psycho

Cool water inferno

Ready your mind he’s here

Run for your life he’s fire

He’s a wholesome man

Write his life he’s got fans

Read your rights he’s sheer

Will and wired he’s fire

Call Out My Name

When you close your eyes, baby
Darkness comes closer to me
Won't you lean in for a kiss
Another hopeless little miss

Take in a twilight drenched sight
Let's dance through the night
Set alarm bells to wake us up
Still, lie in wait for it to pile-up

Call out my name
It's never going to be the same
Let's just leave them all behind
It's never a part of the grand design

Call out my name
Don't you see it will be a shame
Put your arms around me and wait
We will follow paths never straight

Listen to the birds cry for love
All you should think now is how
We're leaving for a better together
Riding this wave of good weather

Call out my name
It's never going to be the same
Let's just leave them all behind
It's never a part of the grand design

Call out my name
Don't you see it will be a shame
Put your arms around me and wait
We will follow paths never straight

Purple Magic Song

Trace the silver linings in a purple sky
Space out into an evening of disappearing energy
Deep inside we've flown a hundred thousand miles,
Laced with a truth serum made from a million smiles
You sang

Touch me since I've been left untouched
Sing me a prayer and wake up my self
Now you've dug too deep and just took down
Things I hoped you'll never see, my old wall

Oh now, can't you see through me,
My purple, often colourless self, afraid of the senseless rush
Wandering, split into a crowd, floating along alone by the sea
Don't you see the surf spray it's magic up into me in a flush

Let's fly away, into the twilight singing a silent song
Let's float away in the breeze humming a soulful little tune
We can make it back into the nothing something's before long
We can join the rest of our crowd and join their chorus soon
And we'll sing

Touch me since I've been left untouched
Sing me a prayer and wake up my self
Now you've dug too deep and just took down
Things I hoped you'll never see, my old wall

Dewdrop Song

You
woke up one morning To a dew
drop in your eyes,
shining, smiling didn't you see
Bright, and sunny, did you feel

Soon
Did you think the of the moon
Coming up in the sky
Shining, smiling didn't you see
Bright, and sighing did you feel

Sweet zephyranthes, raise your head
Your fight's been going on it's not too late
Lift your eyes and steady your stare
Don't let the sun dictate your fate

Frail
Are you falling into this light trail
Staying up late
Waiting, changing don't you dare
Praying, hating they just won't care

Hey
It's over now, let's listen to what they say
Don't worry it will shine again
Dancing, prancing, light shines through
Magic, fantastic, beams will shine for you

Sweet zephyranthes, raise your head
Your fight's been going on it's not too late
Lift your eyes and steady your stare
Don't let the sun dictate your fate

Yellow Cry, a Season Shy

Everywhere there's a fragrant haze
A little touch of innocence in the air
Oh, baby, this romance is a maze
Sprinkle a bit of your magic fare

Is this a song lifting us up, baby
Oh no, darling, we've made it this high
Are these impressions of us, honey
Are these the taste of our revelry

Shine right through this magic crowd
Tastefully melted without a doubt
She swayed into a spiralling shroud
Elegantly made up, oh let her be loud

Let's pack that suitcase, and take off
Let's touch a heart, and make it a start
Fly up to the Himalayas, to the top of
And sit there counting shooting stars

Or maybe today, baby let's take it slow
Let's go around saving lost souls
How about we cry out and let words flow
Just remember our space, time and love

Shine right through this magic crowd
Tastefully melted without a doubt
She swayed into a spiralling shroud
Elegantly made up, oh let her be loud

Floating Away Together, into Promises...

Sparks in between his fingers,
He let his hand rest on her waist.
Mesmerising tunes saturated the air,
and they swayed in the dark
away from the cascade of eyes...

Gently they glided, hand in hand, away from the new age symphonies...
A dark patch drew them in, his lips on hers and they became one soul for a moment,
and thus time became two, four and eight...
The weight of the world lifted, their lips parted and onwards they floated,
dazed,
but not a care in the world...

Turn Back and a Look

Sometimes I stray...
I forget what you are to me...
you'd still stay...
Right by my side in dismay...

Sometimes we break...
Most times we mend indeed...
but, we'd still stay...
for one another in distress...

This world is tired...
Time won't take it away...
So don't be afraid...
I am there with you every way...

Some say it's crazy...
bet they'd never have what we...
Because what we are...
forever is all that we have...

We are both dreamers...
together we are out of this world...
We both still dream of...
happiness in the wildest place...

This world is ours...
Time won't take it away...
So don't be afraid...
I am there with you every way...

The Well

The well gave colour to the land.

The well was from where the sky, the land and the rivers were found.

The well was a mother to people.

The origin, of thought and of beauty.

The first of the people who started their life next to it were the ones who unquestioningly accepted the flowing beauty. They realised it was in their ability to acquire and provide. The colours were given to the less gifted, who lived a little bit farther, never venturing near – blissfully unaware and unquestioning too.

But these were the elect because, for them the colours could be found by just letting a lazy arm dangle into the seemingly shallow depths. They questioned not, about the depths nor about the effort.

*********************************************************************************

For a time they developed and evolved into a smooth droning flutter. But as it is with every force of any considerable substance, the well developed its own edges. 

It could be that people started noticing a sputtering with the well’s functioning, or it could be that the people started noticing their own limitations in acquiring the fruits presented to them by the well or it could be the well’s own tantrums.

The well, till now had only given and the people had only indulged themselves in the taking. Happiness was so easy, euphoria so accessible. The quest for those fruits were easy and short, so much so that the fruits themselves started grabbing attention as opposed to the journey and effort in obtaining them.

Effort was forgotten and effort was taken for granted.

The well quit and the gifted were lost.

Both needing a rain for redemption. And no rain came.

*********************************************************************************

Soft Sunshine in Waning Rain

I confess I don't know her much,
To talk about love and such.
But these meshes in the head are new,
as are all the signs coming true.

I fear my thickened skin,
as faded signs begin to show.
Once a freed heart I had within,
now to a doubt it's been sold.

Carry on soft sunshine...
You might be frayed, but bright...
Weave me your quiet charm..
and carry me through the night...

When feelings are like words
that I wish I could take back.
Such quiet, her fingers worked,
through the insides of my mind.

Tunes that keep me straying,
words curled up into songs,
do I hear them right?
Or are they all quite wrong.

Carry on waning rain,
You are my soft comfort
All the sweet quiet charm...
singing lullabies into the night.

Vile, Shrunk Miles

Our bodies sway in a million different causeways...
Trust will ebb away with what we ungratefully led astray
Even more is hope when a rekindle, it did suggest.

Do you believe in that black ribbon which came undone,
do you not see that it was for our solaced union.

Would you watch and despair, or was it all absolved
Do you believe that it could rebuild and mend trust

Go now,
if you believe coming back is just behind a back cover.

Know that there is no rower,
through the flickering lights that separates our morrow.
Oh! Then you might not even want that, maybe the story ends so...
a separation without redemption
a quiet clean separation without hope for redemption

Plastic screens for our continued synthetic creations...
We have spent emotions to create some more.
Do we even know what we once were before
sun drenched paths and blistering blue skies.

A separation without redemption...
A quick clean separation without any hope for redemption.